People Pleasing: Why We Do It and How to Heal

People pleasing may look like kindness on the surface always saying yes, avoiding conflict, putting others first but underneath, it often stems from something deeper. For many, it is a survival strategy rooted in fear, rejection, or past emotional wounds.

If you have found yourself constantly shrinking to keep the peace, neglecting your own needs, or feeling resentful after always being the “nice one,” you are not alone.

Where People Pleasing Begins

People pleasing often starts in childhood or in relationships where love, safety, or approval were conditional. You may have learned that being “good” or agreeable kept you safe from criticism, abandonment, or emotional withdrawal.

Over time, this becomes an automatic habit a way to avoid discomfort and stay connected, even at the cost of your own well-being.

Common Signs of People Pleasing

Struggling to say no, even when exhausted

Feeling guilty when prioritising your own needs

Constantly worrying about what others think

Changing your opinions to avoid conflict

Feeling responsible for other people’s emotions

Putting your own goals or dreams on hold

If any of these sound familiar, it is not because you are weak. It is because you learned to survive by keeping others happy.

The Hidden Cost

People pleasing might earn temporary approval, but it often leads to long-term harm burnout, resentment, low self-worth, and a lost sense of identity. Over time, the constant suppression of your truth creates internal conflict and disconnection from who you really are.

How to Begin Healing

1. Recognise the pattern

The first step is awareness. Notice when you are about to say yes out of fear or guilt rather than genuine desire. Give yourself permission to pause before responding.

2. Reconnect with your own needs

Ask yourself daily: What do I need today? What would honour me right now? You may be surprised at how unfamiliar this question feels and how powerful it can become.

3. Practise saying no with kindness

“No” does not have to be harsh. You can honour others without abandoning yourself. Try phrases like:

“Thank you for thinking of me, but I will have to pass.”

“I need to prioritise something else right now.”

“I am not able to commit to that at the moment.”

Build tolerance for discomfort

The fear of letting someone down can be overwhelming, but every time you set a boundary, you strengthen your self-respect. Discomfort is not danger it is simply new.

Rebuild your sense of self

You are more than who others need you to be. Reconnect with your values, your voice, and your vision. What do you want? What do you enjoy? These questions bring you back home to yourself.

Being kind does not mean losing yourself. The more you honour your truth, the more your relationships will reflect genuine connection not silent sacrifice.