Self-Sabotage: Why We Do It, and How to Step Out of It

We often talk about growth, healing, and moving forward. But what happens when we are the ones quietly standing in our own way?

Self-sabotage is something many of us do, often without even realising it. It can look like procrastination, perfectionism, missed opportunities, or staying in situations we know are not good for us.

At its heart, self-sabotage is not about laziness or weakness. It is about fear.

Where does it come from?

Most self-sabotaging behaviour is rooted in old wounds. Maybe someone once made you feel you were not good enough. Maybe you grew up believing success brings danger, jealousy, or instability. Maybe deep down, a part of you feels unworthy of happiness. These beliefs can hide beneath the surface, quietly shaping our choices.

When we are close to something good a job, a relationship, a new chapter those old stories can come rushing in. Instead of embracing the opportunity, we panic. We retreat. We tell ourselves we are not ready. We let fear speak louder than our future.

Common signs of self-sabotage:

Talking yourself out of things you truly want

Avoiding important tasks or conversations

Picking fights in otherwise calm relationships

Setting goals, then abandoning them quickly

Saying “I’m fine” when you are really struggling

These are all protective behaviours. They are your nervous system trying to keep you safe not realising that growth is not danger, it is life.

How to step out of it:

Become aware of your patterns

The first step is noticing when you are doing it. Ask yourself: Am I holding myself back because I am afraid of failing? Or afraid of succeeding?

Challenge the inner critic

You are not that old voice that told you you could not. You are not that moment of rejection from the past. Speak to yourself with kindness. Gently, but firmly, remind yourself of the truth: I deserve good things. I am allowed to grow.

Take small brave steps

You do not need to fix everything overnight. Choose one small step and take it. Show your brain that nothing bad happens when you move forward. Bit by bit, you rewrite the story.

Practice compassion, not shame

You are not broken. You are not weak. You are protecting yourself the only way you knew how. But now you can choose differently. With each conscious choice, you are already healing.

Final Thoughts

Self-sabotage does not make you a failure. It makes you human. But the good news is you can unlearn it. You can learn to show up for yourself in new ways. You can give yourself permission to succeed, to be loved, to thrive.

You deserve that. And it is not too late.